Because...love (or how we combat hurt feelings by being kind to others)

On Monday night, I got out of the shower after driving for hours to take care of loan stuff. The Hubster was awesome. He's been so positive about the house purchase and staying optimistic. Me? Not so much. Anyway, he had packed several boxes while I was gone and had made a delicious dinner, had wine ready, and even bought me a pint of ice cream. But while getting showered off last night I had a distinct sadness come over me.



It's all related to feelings of inadequacy, like I'm letting people down, a big disappointment, failing to get stuff done or to keep my shit together. I started reliving some painful memories from my recent job loss (and the whole disaster of a year preceding it) and the loss of my job last year (which was a shock and so hurtful because I was literally ready to die retire in that job). Things with my SCAshire aren't going so well either with deadlines getting missed and issues that need to get wrapped up but I feel unable to solve the problems. There was also a bit of jealousy that reared its head last Tuesday. A friend shared publicly her anxiety and depression over job loss and feeling inadequate and all these issues I've been going through for a year and a half and I felt like certain people were being really encouraging and understanding for her when I feel like they should be telling me the same thing. It's stupid, I know. Jealousy is stupid. But it makes me feel even more worthless when I too have been open with friends and don't seem to get the same kind of encouragement or understanding (especially from "certain people"). MY struggle isn't as valid as someone else's because I'm not as popular, or pretty, or because my troubles have just become too routine for "certain people" - I'm no longer novel and intriguing I guess? Stupid. Yes. Jealousy, depression, anxiety, have no logical reasoning.

So before I went to bed last night, I thought about how I'm at least trying to solve some of the problems that I can try to solve: house buying issues and job interviews. I also thought about how I don't have a choice in those big issues; I am the bread winner and my family will lose their home and not eat if I don't fix them. But mostly, when I saw a saved card from a flower bouquet that had fallen while packing, I thought about how little niceties like a surprise bouquet of flowers have worked to help me feel better. I have one friend who has sent me flowers a couple of times at work when things were getting particularly harsh and almost monumentally hard to deal with. They were surprises. (Well, she's only admitted to sending one bouquet, but they were all anonymous and I bet she's sent them more than that). So I decided that I would send a bouquet to my friend who's battling the anxiety and depression demon, "certain people" be damned.

I didn't get her anything special. I didn't sign the card. I used a similar wording to the statement on the card I received. She got them early this afternoon. Funny, because not 30 minutes after I ordered the flowers for her, she posted that she was having a particularly bad day. It was meant to be. I'm glad I could make her feel better. I'm glad I've had people who made the effort to make me feel a little better too.

Stop telling yourself you can't or you shouldn't. You're awesome - True Story